Sunday, December 7, 2014

A different kind of hard

Well, 6 months ago I had a serious, hard journey ahead of me. I had no idea how long it would take me to write that chapter of my life. But write it, I did and onto the next! My divorce was settled through mediation in July, and surprisingly it went better than expected. The Lord knew exactly what I needed, and he fulfilled his promises. I got my house, and am safe and secure in my neighborhood, with my amazing support system. And my view. Love my view. Can't live without it. And now I don't have to.

But my plan to have a normal, happy, easy life...yea not so much. OK, I knew that being a single Mom wasn't going to be easy, and that I could have an aneurysm at any given moment. But all the other trials and strife to go along with it, I wasn't ready for. My life is very different, and for that I am soooo grateful. I no longer live depressed and in fear, or shame. I am learning to be proud of myself. I am learning to love, truly love me. And fill a very serious void in my life with things that make me happy.  I am healing parts of me that were never really healed. I'm also learning to be honest. I was so used to trying to please everyone and everything around me, that I lied about everything. So that I wouldn't hurt You. Because I never really wanted to hurt anyone's feelings. And if I did, you straight up knew it! Those were the only honest times. So it feels good to be honest and take the chance that it might upset someone. But it's awesome! You haven't gotten upset with me! We're all adults here, and everyone's for the most part, very understanding. So telling the truth is a good thing Charlie Brown!

But now things are different, and so is the hard. It's hard being a single Mom. It's hard dealing with an Ex. It's hard begging, pleading, and fighting for cooperation. It's hard dealing with an Ex's Family. It's hard defending yourself against lies. LOTS of lies. So by the way, if you heard I had a live in Boyfriend that I've been in love with  and had been plotting my divorce for years, that wasn't true. I'm not that lucky. Boys aren't throwing themselves at me that easily. It's hard trying to find Boys to throw themselves at me. It's hard to find Boys period. It's hard to work part time, and full time, and then be a Mom 90% of the time. It's hard to keep my cool and be honest with you and let you know I'm not ok, and that I am stressed out, and I am broke, and I don't have lunch money. It's hard to watch Facebook and see so many that I love go on fun Family vacations, and take amazing selfies, and have incredible skin, and perfect Jamboree nails that are just darling! It's hard sitting in church listening to my sweet Friends talk about how grateful they are for their eternal Family. You know, the one that includes a Husband. It's hard to not want to get bitter and mad at the Lord for thinking I'm strong enough to handle these trials, because I tell you what, from my end of the field, the score is Failure=10, Denielle=0!! It's all hard. A different kind of hard that I wasn't ready for, nor did I know it was coming. But if I knew it was, would it have helped? Maybe. But did anyone tell us that pregnancy is downright miserable and soo not fun?? Would we still do it? In a heartbeat. So would I have taken this road had I known the hard? Heck Yes I would.

Please don't get me wrong, I want all of you to continue on with your lives, and do your fun things, and be happy, Because I know I have these things to look forward to. To every person their is a season. And this is my season of trial. And I'm ok with that. Because I have so many that love me and help me. Even when I say no, or don't want help. Because I'm stubborn and want to do it all by Myself. You still help and never make me feel like it's a burden or a hardship. You are happy to do it. And the Lord knows that if I want to succeed these trials, I have to let people help.

So now this is the chapter in life where I age 20 years in 2, and I learn to become self sufficient. When I strive to accept myself as a Mother who tries her best, and falls short quite a bit, so that I can more fully rely on my Savior. This is where I better understand the atonement, and the meaning of true sacrifice. This is the part where I settle for no one and nothing. This is the part where my Happily ever after begins. Where my Prince comes riding up on a big white horse, or a halfway decent car, and falls madly in love with this Hot Mess, and doesn't let a day go by without telling me how incredibly beautiful my not so flawless face is, and paints my nails for me, because I don't even know what Jamboree nails are. This is where my Daughter Mckenzie hugs me every day, 15 times a day because she feels so safe and secure in our relationship that she can show affection. This is the part where my Son gives me kisses on the cheek before bed every night like a true Gentleman. This is the part where I learn to love every square inch of my body. Every scare, every flaw, every gray hair, every extra pound. This is the part where each day that the scoreboard shows a 0, I'm ok, because I tried. Because from the other side of the field, the side where the Savior is standing, I'm doing my best, and he is pleased. And he sees the entire field, from beginning to end, and knows exactly what I can handle, and what the trophy looks like at the end of the game. I just have to remember that even though I think I know what I want, he knows exactly what I want AND need, and will give me everything my little heart desires. And so much more.

So hopefully, I can keep you entertained, because now I don't get to fill you with fluff, I have to tell you the truth. And this is what this hard looks like!

Monday, June 23, 2014

Since this blog is mine

So since this blog is mine, I'm using this post to vent/inform/write it down/accept the newest chapter in my life.

But I want to make one thing perfectly clear. The Lord is in charge. And he is and will always be the sure way to peace and happiness. I know this far better than I ever have in my life. As much as I have felt like I was never enough, I am using this journey to accept myself. Those times when you look in the mirror and feel beautiful, and then 5 minutes later, something happens. You yell at your kids, you see someone who you think is better than you, or in my case, you open your mouth and say something stupid, and that feeling of beauty quickly fades. These moments are moments that filled my life to the brim. And I for the first time, want to love myself for everything I say, and do wrong. Because that is what makes me, ME. My spirit inside has so many good intentions. And has so many passions and feelings that I want to experience and embrace. I'm sick of feeling like I'm "not enough". Because I want to be enough. I want to be so much more than I am, and be someone that overwhelms another to the point that it brings them to tears. I want to be adored, and worshiped for the Woman I am on the inside that for 32 years, I have been so afraid to let out. And this is why I'm getting Divorced.

I never thought this would happen to me. I never thought my life would take a turn. Where everything you thought you had or were going to have was gone in an instant. Nor would I ever think I would be the one to initiate it. I am not a quitter. I fight and I have always fought hard. This was so many times, my only way of proving that I had some worth. I thought, "If I'm not getting divorced, then no one should!" Because I knew what deep dark secrets I was hiding. Then my body couldn't hide it anymore. I started getting sick. Mentally, physically, spiritually. I tried everything. I even admitted that I was Bi-Polar. A very long, expensive, drawn out process that turned out to be completely false. And I was fully willing to accept this. That was who I was going to be from now on in life. I gladly took the medications, and changed everything about me, just to be happy. I CHANGED EVERYTHING ABOUT ME, JUST TO BE HAPPY. But guess what? It wasn't me that needed to change. And once I found the real source of my unhappiness, looked it in the face, and found some sort of strength deep within myself, I used it and let go. I finally let go. And I got better. And it didn't take that long either.

I didn't feel good about my decision. I didn't feel good about anything. But I knew it was the right decision. I knew without a shadow of a doubt it was the right decision. And I was more scared than I have ever been in my entire life. Growing old with someone. Gone. Being perfectly comfortable naked in front of someone. Gone. Having an eternity with someone. Gone. Being with someone I trusted and fully believed would never leave me. Gone. And I'm still scared.

But I'd rather be alone, then be there again.

I have had so many tender mercies in this experience. I almost feel like my Heavenly Father is giving me a fail proof chance to change my life, and not screw this one up. He's given me my house, my amazing friends, family, and neighbors, that have never once judged me, or given up on me. He's given me money, when money wasn't there to take care of my kids, and hire an attorney. He's protected my children and they seem to be almost unscathed by what has happened. In fact, we're all so much more at peace, and I can for the first time feel the spirit in my home. I'm so grateful that even though he asked me to go through this hardship, he didn't make me do it alone. He truly has shaped my back to carry these burdens. My favorite scripture Mosiah 24; 14. "And I will ease the burdens on your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, that ye may stand as witnesses...that I, the Lord God do visit my people in their afflictions."

I still have a very long way to go, and many people to upset. Dr. Laura gave me some amazing advice at the beginning of this process. Yes, the Doctor herself talked to me personally. (I told you I tried everything) She said "you're going to upset a lot of people in this. So get over it. Only you know what happens behind closed doors. Don't you?" She also made me shout three times on the air "I'm stronger than I think I am." And crying on public radio, shouting this comment, was the beginning of me letting myself go. And moving forward without caring who I would offend. At first I felt very guilty for my feelings. And my desires to begin to live for just my children and I. But that wore off. And once it did. It felt good. SO good that I could no longer tell people how crummy my life was. I have started saying. "I'm doing ok" and "I feel like I'm actually really happy today" rather then the usual "I have a heart beat so that's good I guess." Because most days that's all it was.

I have so many more thoughts and really would love to write the greatest soap opera that ever was, but I still have a hard time putting into words everything I feel right now. But I know this is a start to something good. Something amazing. And I'm not afraid to admit it anymore. I even have a bit of faith (and I do mean a bit) that someone really does exist that could really truly love me. Not just love, but adore, me. Someone who I'll take his breath away. Someone who won't be able to live without me. Who will love my Children as if they were his own. And someone who will love me for all of eternity, and I won't get sick of him.

So for now, I'm working on being enough. And right now, that's good enough for me.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Salt City Float Spa -Say What??

Salt City Float Spa! Rolls off the tongue right?? We decided it was time to get out of the trenches and start a new business!! A few years ago, my sweet sister Melanie told us about this amazing thing called "Floatation Therapy." Who in the what now??? Yes flotation therapy is a real thing. Much less invasive than Hydrotherapy, and much more beneficial to the body. :)

We have a big fat giant pod, that resembles an egg, and it's full of water heated to skin temperature, and 1200 pounds of medical grade Epsom salt. (Sound like I'm selling you something? I am) You get into the water, and lie there for one hour, and you are completely weightless. You float. Because of the high content of salt. The salt not only detoxifies your body, and leaves your skin feeling silky and smooth, but the weightlessness of your body far exceeds any type of healing a massage can give you. See, our bodies core is a mass that can never relax. Even when we are sleeping, our core has to always keep us stable. When we place our body in a zero gravity state, such as a float tank, or outer space, the core can relax, and our body's produce a crazy amount of serotonin, endorphins, dopamine, and other feel good drugs, our bodies naturally make, which we use to heal ourselves. Aches, pains, Tiredness, insomnia, anxiety, depression, fibromialgya, chronic pain, and that's just the beginning. The type of therapy has made miracles happen with any epidemic you can think of. "If everyone floated, the world would be a better place", says one of our avid floaters.

Just think what could happen if congress took a smidgen of that hard earned paycheck and floated! What work would get done up there in Capital Hill!!

Our bodies take on a prediabetic state after only 4 nights of bad sleep, and the average adult gets about 250 minutes of good rem sleep per night. Over the age of 30, that number decreases incredibly to the tune of about 25 minutes..... Wonder why elderly folks suffer from so much?? It's the lack of good sleep they are getting!

Ok enough of my rant! Please come check us out. Everyone can benefit from floating, and even if it's not your cup of tea, it might be someone else's. We all know someone who doesn't sleep well, or has serious chronic pain, or depression. So tell everyone you know about this!! it's awesome! And I'm such a fan of discounts, I pretty much give a discount to everyone who walks in the door!!

Thanks for letting me sell to ya!

my little diva

So all of these posts are LONG overdue, but my OCD will not let me continue unless I play catch up and present you with massive amounts of pictures of my little "fandamily". This summer while Shawn was out playing around in Tennessee (just kidding he was selling security again and actually working harder than I ever would) I took Ms. McKenzie out for some pictures with our FAVORITE photographer- Kara Simmons. Here's what we came up with. Enjoy!

Monday, October 1, 2012

Maine.. why not??

It has been far too long since I have blogged, but I guess it's better late than never.. These past few months have been soo incredibly busy, I now understand why families have only two kids. Poor Zach has also been super sick ever since he was born with stinkin ear infections. We finally got the go ahead to get tubes in his ears about a month ago, and he's finally been ear infection free for exactly 30 days. Yea!

So right after he got his tubes, I took the chance of a lifetime and snuck away from my kids for a week and went on a little vacation with Shawn. He was selling security for the month of August in Memphis, so I flew into Atlanta when we was done. He drove down to pick me up and we had planned to spend a few days in Atlanta, and then slowly head back home. But of course Shawn got a wild hair and we took advantage of the no kids, and drove up to Main and spent a few days up there. We also visited Boston on the way, Palmyra, Niagara Falls, Chicago, Cape Cod, and that's about it. It was an amazing trip! We had so so so much fun, and I absolutely feel in love with Maine! I've decided it's my calling in life to retire there, and run a bed and breakfast. Let the saving begin! Here's our pics. Enjoy!

this is us enjoying the city where we fell in love ... with the food... and each other! hotlanta baby!
 this is in the center of Boston. McKenzie would love the giant mac and cheese behind us.
                                          not sure what Shawn was doing to the city of Boston.
                  on the coast in the beautiful tiny town of Gloucester, in cape cod. love it here.
                              Shawn and i lobstering. we're so good at it, we caught a whole zero!
              obviously eating the lobster someone else caught. when in Maine, must east lobster.
           in the small town of onquinquit... i will retire here. once i learn how to spell it of course.
                            in the small town of york. right next to the lighthouse. simply beautiful.
                                                               the lighthouse in york.
                                                      can you guess where this is????
 enjoying Niagara falls a little too close for my comfort. but luckily the blue ponchos do oh so much.

                                              can you guess where I'm at?? yep! that's Chicago!
                 that building to the left of the boat, is where Derek rose just bought a condo. nice.
                                                our boat ride through the city. so pretty!

Friday, May 11, 2012

Picture overload

Ok, these are long overdue, but I just finally got the energy to unload my camera and share some fun pictures of when Zach was first born... I am also shown posing next to our snowman we made the day I went into labor. .. Had no idea I was going to be at the hospital later that night waiting to have a baby. These pictures also prove that Shawn does indeed have a heart, as he is shown crying as he was holding Zach for the first time. We also went to Arizona to visit Aunt Melanie when he was 2 weeks old so she could see him before he became ginormous. It just amazes me how fast they grow up. And in his case, he is definitely growing! Enjoy!

A Baby Blessing

We blessed Zach this past Fast Sunday. It was so much fun to have all our family and loved ones with us. My Dad was able to join the circle which meant so much to me! We also had the Rindlisbacher's come, and thanks to Felisha, we had yummy ham right when we got back to the house for lunch. Thanks so much for your help! I was worried about the space for everyone in my little house, but it worked out great! I now know I can host the coolest and largest New Year's party for 2013. And a shout out to sweet neighbor Jordan for lending us a beautiful blessing outfit for Zach. Thank Heaven he did not poop two seconds before his blessing, like his older sister did. Fun Fun!