Since this blog is mine

So since this blog is mine, I'm using this post to vent/inform/write it down/accept the newest chapter in my life.

But I want to make one thing perfectly clear. The Lord is in charge. And he is and will always be the sure way to peace and happiness. I know this far better than I ever have in my life. As much as I have felt like I was never enough, I am using this journey to accept myself. Those times when you look in the mirror and feel beautiful, and then 5 minutes later, something happens. You yell at your kids, you see someone who you think is better than you, or in my case, you open your mouth and say something stupid, and that feeling of beauty quickly fades. These moments are moments that filled my life to the brim. And I for the first time, want to love myself for everything I say, and do wrong. Because that is what makes me, ME. My spirit inside has so many good intentions. And has so many passions and feelings that I want to experience and embrace. I'm sick of feeling like I'm "not enough". Because I want to be enough. I want to be so much more than I am, and be someone that overwhelms another to the point that it brings them to tears. I want to be adored, and worshiped for the Woman I am on the inside that for 32 years, I have been so afraid to let out. And this is why I'm getting Divorced.

I never thought this would happen to me. I never thought my life would take a turn. Where everything you thought you had or were going to have was gone in an instant. Nor would I ever think I would be the one to initiate it. I am not a quitter. I fight and I have always fought hard. This was so many times, my only way of proving that I had some worth. I thought, "If I'm not getting divorced, then no one should!" Because I knew what deep dark secrets I was hiding. Then my body couldn't hide it anymore. I started getting sick. Mentally, physically, spiritually. I tried everything. I even admitted that I was Bi-Polar. A very long, expensive, drawn out process that turned out to be completely false. And I was fully willing to accept this. That was who I was going to be from now on in life. I gladly took the medications, and changed everything about me, just to be happy. I CHANGED EVERYTHING ABOUT ME, JUST TO BE HAPPY. But guess what? It wasn't me that needed to change. And once I found the real source of my unhappiness, looked it in the face, and found some sort of strength deep within myself, I used it and let go. I finally let go. And I got better. And it didn't take that long either.

I didn't feel good about my decision. I didn't feel good about anything. But I knew it was the right decision. I knew without a shadow of a doubt it was the right decision. And I was more scared than I have ever been in my entire life. Growing old with someone. Gone. Being perfectly comfortable naked in front of someone. Gone. Having an eternity with someone. Gone. Being with someone I trusted and fully believed would never leave me. Gone. And I'm still scared.

But I'd rather be alone, then be there again.

I have had so many tender mercies in this experience. I almost feel like my Heavenly Father is giving me a fail proof chance to change my life, and not screw this one up. He's given me my house, my amazing friends, family, and neighbors, that have never once judged me, or given up on me. He's given me money, when money wasn't there to take care of my kids, and hire an attorney. He's protected my children and they seem to be almost unscathed by what has happened. In fact, we're all so much more at peace, and I can for the first time feel the spirit in my home. I'm so grateful that even though he asked me to go through this hardship, he didn't make me do it alone. He truly has shaped my back to carry these burdens. My favorite scripture Mosiah 24; 14. "And I will ease the burdens on your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, that ye may stand as witnesses...that I, the Lord God do visit my people in their afflictions."

I still have a very long way to go, and many people to upset. Dr. Laura gave me some amazing advice at the beginning of this process. Yes, the Doctor herself talked to me personally. (I told you I tried everything) She said "you're going to upset a lot of people in this. So get over it. Only you know what happens behind closed doors. Don't you?" She also made me shout three times on the air "I'm stronger than I think I am." And crying on public radio, shouting this comment, was the beginning of me letting myself go. And moving forward without caring who I would offend. At first I felt very guilty for my feelings. And my desires to begin to live for just my children and I. But that wore off. And once it did. It felt good. SO good that I could no longer tell people how crummy my life was. I have started saying. "I'm doing ok" and "I feel like I'm actually really happy today" rather then the usual "I have a heart beat so that's good I guess." Because most days that's all it was.

I have so many more thoughts and really would love to write the greatest soap opera that ever was, but I still have a hard time putting into words everything I feel right now. But I know this is a start to something good. Something amazing. And I'm not afraid to admit it anymore. I even have a bit of faith (and I do mean a bit) that someone really does exist that could really truly love me. Not just love, but adore, me. Someone who I'll take his breath away. Someone who won't be able to live without me. Who will love my Children as if they were his own. And someone who will love me for all of eternity, and I won't get sick of him.

So for now, I'm working on being enough. And right now, that's good enough for me.