Sunday, December 7, 2014

A different kind of hard

Well, 6 months ago I had a serious, hard journey ahead of me. I had no idea how long it would take me to write that chapter of my life. But write it, I did and onto the next! My divorce was settled through mediation in July, and surprisingly it went better than expected. The Lord knew exactly what I needed, and he fulfilled his promises. I got my house, and am safe and secure in my neighborhood, with my amazing support system. And my view. Love my view. Can't live without it. And now I don't have to.

But my plan to have a normal, happy, easy life...yea not so much. OK, I knew that being a single Mom wasn't going to be easy, and that I could have an aneurysm at any given moment. But all the other trials and strife to go along with it, I wasn't ready for. My life is very different, and for that I am soooo grateful. I no longer live depressed and in fear, or shame. I am learning to be proud of myself. I am learning to love, truly love me. And fill a very serious void in my life with things that make me happy.  I am healing parts of me that were never really healed. I'm also learning to be honest. I was so used to trying to please everyone and everything around me, that I lied about everything. So that I wouldn't hurt You. Because I never really wanted to hurt anyone's feelings. And if I did, you straight up knew it! Those were the only honest times. So it feels good to be honest and take the chance that it might upset someone. But it's awesome! You haven't gotten upset with me! We're all adults here, and everyone's for the most part, very understanding. So telling the truth is a good thing Charlie Brown!

But now things are different, and so is the hard. It's hard being a single Mom. It's hard dealing with an Ex. It's hard begging, pleading, and fighting for cooperation. It's hard dealing with an Ex's Family. It's hard defending yourself against lies. LOTS of lies. So by the way, if you heard I had a live in Boyfriend that I've been in love with  and had been plotting my divorce for years, that wasn't true. I'm not that lucky. Boys aren't throwing themselves at me that easily. It's hard trying to find Boys to throw themselves at me. It's hard to find Boys period. It's hard to work part time, and full time, and then be a Mom 90% of the time. It's hard to keep my cool and be honest with you and let you know I'm not ok, and that I am stressed out, and I am broke, and I don't have lunch money. It's hard to watch Facebook and see so many that I love go on fun Family vacations, and take amazing selfies, and have incredible skin, and perfect Jamboree nails that are just darling! It's hard sitting in church listening to my sweet Friends talk about how grateful they are for their eternal Family. You know, the one that includes a Husband. It's hard to not want to get bitter and mad at the Lord for thinking I'm strong enough to handle these trials, because I tell you what, from my end of the field, the score is Failure=10, Denielle=0!! It's all hard. A different kind of hard that I wasn't ready for, nor did I know it was coming. But if I knew it was, would it have helped? Maybe. But did anyone tell us that pregnancy is downright miserable and soo not fun?? Would we still do it? In a heartbeat. So would I have taken this road had I known the hard? Heck Yes I would.

Please don't get me wrong, I want all of you to continue on with your lives, and do your fun things, and be happy, Because I know I have these things to look forward to. To every person their is a season. And this is my season of trial. And I'm ok with that. Because I have so many that love me and help me. Even when I say no, or don't want help. Because I'm stubborn and want to do it all by Myself. You still help and never make me feel like it's a burden or a hardship. You are happy to do it. And the Lord knows that if I want to succeed these trials, I have to let people help.

So now this is the chapter in life where I age 20 years in 2, and I learn to become self sufficient. When I strive to accept myself as a Mother who tries her best, and falls short quite a bit, so that I can more fully rely on my Savior. This is where I better understand the atonement, and the meaning of true sacrifice. This is the part where I settle for no one and nothing. This is the part where my Happily ever after begins. Where my Prince comes riding up on a big white horse, or a halfway decent car, and falls madly in love with this Hot Mess, and doesn't let a day go by without telling me how incredibly beautiful my not so flawless face is, and paints my nails for me, because I don't even know what Jamboree nails are. This is where my Daughter Mckenzie hugs me every day, 15 times a day because she feels so safe and secure in our relationship that she can show affection. This is the part where my Son gives me kisses on the cheek before bed every night like a true Gentleman. This is the part where I learn to love every square inch of my body. Every scare, every flaw, every gray hair, every extra pound. This is the part where each day that the scoreboard shows a 0, I'm ok, because I tried. Because from the other side of the field, the side where the Savior is standing, I'm doing my best, and he is pleased. And he sees the entire field, from beginning to end, and knows exactly what I can handle, and what the trophy looks like at the end of the game. I just have to remember that even though I think I know what I want, he knows exactly what I want AND need, and will give me everything my little heart desires. And so much more.

So hopefully, I can keep you entertained, because now I don't get to fill you with fluff, I have to tell you the truth. And this is what this hard looks like!

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