A different kind of hard

Well, 6 months ago I had a serious, hard journey ahead of me. I had no idea how long it would take me to write that chapter of my life. But write it, I did and onto the next! My divorce was settled through mediation in July, and surprisingly it went better than expected. The Lord knew exactly what I needed, and he fulfilled his promises. I got my house, and am safe and secure in my neighborhood, with my amazing support system. And my view. Love my view. Can't live without it. And now I don't have to.

But my plan to have a normal, happy, easy life...yea not so much. OK, I knew that being a single Mom wasn't going to be easy, and that I could have an aneurysm at any given moment. But all the other trials and strife to go along with it, I wasn't ready for. My life is very different, and for that I am soooo grateful. I no longer live depressed and in fear, or shame. I am learning to be proud of myself. I am learning to love, truly love me. And fill a very serious void in my life with things that make me happy.  I am healing parts of me that were never really healed. I'm also learning to be honest. I was so used to trying to please everyone and everything around me, that I lied about everything. So that I wouldn't hurt You. Because I never really wanted to hurt anyone's feelings. And if I did, you straight up knew it! Those were the only honest times. So it feels good to be honest and take the chance that it might upset someone. But it's awesome! You haven't gotten upset with me! We're all adults here, and everyone's for the most part, very understanding. So telling the truth is a good thing Charlie Brown!

But now things are different, and so is the hard. It's hard being a single Mom. It's hard dealing with an Ex. It's hard begging, pleading, and fighting for cooperation. It's hard dealing with an Ex's Family. It's hard defending yourself against lies. LOTS of lies. So by the way, if you heard I had a live in Boyfriend that I've been in love with  and had been plotting my divorce for years, that wasn't true. I'm not that lucky. Boys aren't throwing themselves at me that easily. It's hard trying to find Boys to throw themselves at me. It's hard to find Boys period. It's hard to work part time, and full time, and then be a Mom 90% of the time. It's hard to keep my cool and be honest with you and let you know I'm not ok, and that I am stressed out, and I am broke, and I don't have lunch money. It's hard to watch Facebook and see so many that I love go on fun Family vacations, and take amazing selfies, and have incredible skin, and perfect Jamboree nails that are just darling! It's hard sitting in church listening to my sweet Friends talk about how grateful they are for their eternal Family. You know, the one that includes a Husband. It's hard to not want to get bitter and mad at the Lord for thinking I'm strong enough to handle these trials, because I tell you what, from my end of the field, the score is Failure=10, Denielle=0!! It's all hard. A different kind of hard that I wasn't ready for, nor did I know it was coming. But if I knew it was, would it have helped? Maybe. But did anyone tell us that pregnancy is downright miserable and soo not fun?? Would we still do it? In a heartbeat. So would I have taken this road had I known the hard? Heck Yes I would.

Please don't get me wrong, I want all of you to continue on with your lives, and do your fun things, and be happy, Because I know I have these things to look forward to. To every person their is a season. And this is my season of trial. And I'm ok with that. Because I have so many that love me and help me. Even when I say no, or don't want help. Because I'm stubborn and want to do it all by Myself. You still help and never make me feel like it's a burden or a hardship. You are happy to do it. And the Lord knows that if I want to succeed these trials, I have to let people help.

So now this is the chapter in life where I age 20 years in 2, and I learn to become self sufficient. When I strive to accept myself as a Mother who tries her best, and falls short quite a bit, so that I can more fully rely on my Savior. This is where I better understand the atonement, and the meaning of true sacrifice. This is the part where I settle for no one and nothing. This is the part where my Happily ever after begins. Where my Prince comes riding up on a big white horse, or a halfway decent car, and falls madly in love with this Hot Mess, and doesn't let a day go by without telling me how incredibly beautiful my not so flawless face is, and paints my nails for me, because I don't even know what Jamboree nails are. This is where my Daughter Mckenzie hugs me every day, 15 times a day because she feels so safe and secure in our relationship that she can show affection. This is the part where my Son gives me kisses on the cheek before bed every night like a true Gentleman. This is the part where I learn to love every square inch of my body. Every scare, every flaw, every gray hair, every extra pound. This is the part where each day that the scoreboard shows a 0, I'm ok, because I tried. Because from the other side of the field, the side where the Savior is standing, I'm doing my best, and he is pleased. And he sees the entire field, from beginning to end, and knows exactly what I can handle, and what the trophy looks like at the end of the game. I just have to remember that even though I think I know what I want, he knows exactly what I want AND need, and will give me everything my little heart desires. And so much more.

So hopefully, I can keep you entertained, because now I don't get to fill you with fluff, I have to tell you the truth. And this is what this hard looks like!

Since this blog is mine

So since this blog is mine, I'm using this post to vent/inform/write it down/accept the newest chapter in my life.

But I want to make one thing perfectly clear. The Lord is in charge. And he is and will always be the sure way to peace and happiness. I know this far better than I ever have in my life. As much as I have felt like I was never enough, I am using this journey to accept myself. Those times when you look in the mirror and feel beautiful, and then 5 minutes later, something happens. You yell at your kids, you see someone who you think is better than you, or in my case, you open your mouth and say something stupid, and that feeling of beauty quickly fades. These moments are moments that filled my life to the brim. And I for the first time, want to love myself for everything I say, and do wrong. Because that is what makes me, ME. My spirit inside has so many good intentions. And has so many passions and feelings that I want to experience and embrace. I'm sick of feeling like I'm "not enough". Because I want to be enough. I want to be so much more than I am, and be someone that overwhelms another to the point that it brings them to tears. I want to be adored, and worshiped for the Woman I am on the inside that for 32 years, I have been so afraid to let out. And this is why I'm getting Divorced.

I never thought this would happen to me. I never thought my life would take a turn. Where everything you thought you had or were going to have was gone in an instant. Nor would I ever think I would be the one to initiate it. I am not a quitter. I fight and I have always fought hard. This was so many times, my only way of proving that I had some worth. I thought, "If I'm not getting divorced, then no one should!" Because I knew what deep dark secrets I was hiding. Then my body couldn't hide it anymore. I started getting sick. Mentally, physically, spiritually. I tried everything. I even admitted that I was Bi-Polar. A very long, expensive, drawn out process that turned out to be completely false. And I was fully willing to accept this. That was who I was going to be from now on in life. I gladly took the medications, and changed everything about me, just to be happy. I CHANGED EVERYTHING ABOUT ME, JUST TO BE HAPPY. But guess what? It wasn't me that needed to change. And once I found the real source of my unhappiness, looked it in the face, and found some sort of strength deep within myself, I used it and let go. I finally let go. And I got better. And it didn't take that long either.

I didn't feel good about my decision. I didn't feel good about anything. But I knew it was the right decision. I knew without a shadow of a doubt it was the right decision. And I was more scared than I have ever been in my entire life. Growing old with someone. Gone. Being perfectly comfortable naked in front of someone. Gone. Having an eternity with someone. Gone. Being with someone I trusted and fully believed would never leave me. Gone. And I'm still scared.

But I'd rather be alone, then be there again.

I have had so many tender mercies in this experience. I almost feel like my Heavenly Father is giving me a fail proof chance to change my life, and not screw this one up. He's given me my house, my amazing friends, family, and neighbors, that have never once judged me, or given up on me. He's given me money, when money wasn't there to take care of my kids, and hire an attorney. He's protected my children and they seem to be almost unscathed by what has happened. In fact, we're all so much more at peace, and I can for the first time feel the spirit in my home. I'm so grateful that even though he asked me to go through this hardship, he didn't make me do it alone. He truly has shaped my back to carry these burdens. My favorite scripture Mosiah 24; 14. "And I will ease the burdens on your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, that ye may stand as witnesses...that I, the Lord God do visit my people in their afflictions."

I still have a very long way to go, and many people to upset. Dr. Laura gave me some amazing advice at the beginning of this process. Yes, the Doctor herself talked to me personally. (I told you I tried everything) She said "you're going to upset a lot of people in this. So get over it. Only you know what happens behind closed doors. Don't you?" She also made me shout three times on the air "I'm stronger than I think I am." And crying on public radio, shouting this comment, was the beginning of me letting myself go. And moving forward without caring who I would offend. At first I felt very guilty for my feelings. And my desires to begin to live for just my children and I. But that wore off. And once it did. It felt good. SO good that I could no longer tell people how crummy my life was. I have started saying. "I'm doing ok" and "I feel like I'm actually really happy today" rather then the usual "I have a heart beat so that's good I guess." Because most days that's all it was.

I have so many more thoughts and really would love to write the greatest soap opera that ever was, but I still have a hard time putting into words everything I feel right now. But I know this is a start to something good. Something amazing. And I'm not afraid to admit it anymore. I even have a bit of faith (and I do mean a bit) that someone really does exist that could really truly love me. Not just love, but adore, me. Someone who I'll take his breath away. Someone who won't be able to live without me. Who will love my Children as if they were his own. And someone who will love me for all of eternity, and I won't get sick of him.

So for now, I'm working on being enough. And right now, that's good enough for me.